Back in the winter of last year my best friend moved to Tennessee. Clarksville, to be specific, and no she did not take the "last train". That joke is dead. Move on.
Anyway, I hadn't spoken to her for a while after she moved so one night I decided to look her up and find out how southern living was agreeing with her. Apparently she fits right in- eating grits, drinking sweet tea, and going to see donkey basketball. I kid you not. It actually happens.
One of the reasons she moved was to be closer to her mother who has slowly but surely been taking leave of her faculties. My best friend refers to her as "bat shit crazy". I believe that is indeed the official medical diagnosis. She explained to me that her mother has developed some obsessive tendencies recently that seem to revolve around toilet paper, paper towels, and Fig Newtons. One afternoon my BFF was driving in the car with her mother and her uncle when her mother announces loudly that she needs to go to Walmart to buy Fig Newtons. Of course the uncle immediately says he can't take her, in which case she zeros in on her daughter and pleads with her to take her to Walmart in a tone that suggests she may have a temper tantrum if she doesn't get her way.
Once they're in the store, my BFF explains that it's like shopping with a slippery two year old. Her mother has no short term memory and frequently wanders off in stores, though she somehow seems to remember exactly where the Fig Newtons are. Go figure. Finally she herds her mother over to the checkout line where she carefully places her Fig Newtons on the conveyor belt and steps back, looking angrily at her daughter.
"Now I wish you had told me we were going shoppin' cuz I'd have brought more money. I need more toilet paper."
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