Top Ten Ways to Tell You're a Teacher
1. When you go to pull down your pants in the ladies room, the following items spill out of your pocket: 2 dry erase markers (one red, one black); paper clips of various shapes, sizes, and colors; a grape scented pencil; and assorted scraps of paper.
2. When requesting a refund on Ebay, your mother asks, "Are you being mean, or are you using your teacher voice to scare a refund out of her?"
3. On the back seat of your car is no longer a change of clothes, sexy heels, and spare makeup bag. Instead there is one sneaker, a travel coffee mug that you keep forgetting to bring inside and wash, and a green and blue koosh ball you found in the parking lot that you thought one of the kids might like.
4. On a second date you sit down to watch a movie and automatically pull papers out of your purse to grade.
5. Your INBOX on Facebook is jammed with messages from students asking when the next spelling test is (and whether or not spelling counts).
6. Your weekends are planned around whether or not you've managed to avoid catching whatever it is that the super affectionate little plague rats are currently carrying.
7. Your Christmas list currently has more classroom supplies listed than it does "fun" items. Oh and you wrote your list on the same decorative paper you had the kids write their list on during Art class.
8. The cuff of every single one of your white blouses has an unidentifiable black smudge on it. Come to think of it, it's probably dry erase marker...I hope that comes out with water. But if it came out with water, it wouldn't be dry erase would it...
9. You're the only one done with work at 2:30 everyday and you can't find anyone to come over and play.
10. And finally, you know you're a teacher when the reason you leave the party early is that it's getting late (past 9:00 pm) and you have bus duty in the morning.
God help me...
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It's All About You, Isn't It
This morning I was explaining to my 5th graders that our English text hasn't been updated for over 11 years and therefore that means the selections chosen for them to read weren't exactly new, interesting, and up to date.
One of my boys starts grumbling about how he hates when that happens and it just ruins his day to have to read things that are so "super boring".
Of course my response was, "Yes of course Kiddo. There are men in suits sitting in their office at the publisher saying, 'Hmm...Kiddo Smith. What can we do to ruin his day?"
Kiddo thinks for a second then says, "Hmm. They must know my mom then."
One of my boys starts grumbling about how he hates when that happens and it just ruins his day to have to read things that are so "super boring".
Of course my response was, "Yes of course Kiddo. There are men in suits sitting in their office at the publisher saying, 'Hmm...Kiddo Smith. What can we do to ruin his day?"
Kiddo thinks for a second then says, "Hmm. They must know my mom then."
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Thank God....Literally
We have officially made it through the first 7 days of school. My classroom finally looks fairly respectable (though I'm missing a large crate of childrens' books that is probably buried deep within my storage unit, never to be found again). The kids are wonderful. Now that says a lot since in general, I pretty much hate chidlren. They're usually rude, sticky, and know way too much about dating and sex, but these kids...they're like REAL KIDS!
Every day I get thank yous from my kids on their way out the door. They laugh at my ridiculous jokes, indulge me in my literary addictions, and they all do their homework regularly. I even had one of my little girls give me a gift of Crayola Twistable crayons, markers, and clay. When she handed me the gift bag and said it was for me, I was so startled I said, "Thank you honey, but why is this for me?"
She shrugged, thought about it for a second, then said, "Just for being you."
This has to be a honeymoon period. There's absolutely no way the whole school year can go this smoothly, right?
Friday we had a birthday in the 5th grade and the birthday girl brought in what is referred to as a "cupcake cake". It is what the title suggests- a cake made of multiple cupcakes. Of course at the end of the day on a Friday, sugar was EXACTLY what the rugrats needed. The afternoon ended with me trying to explain to one of my girls why the "5 Second Rule" should not be universally applied to frosting after it has landed on the nasty blue carpet that has been on our classroom floor since, well, the time of Christ. Hey, we are in Catholic school. It's possible the carpeting is that old...
Every day I get thank yous from my kids on their way out the door. They laugh at my ridiculous jokes, indulge me in my literary addictions, and they all do their homework regularly. I even had one of my little girls give me a gift of Crayola Twistable crayons, markers, and clay. When she handed me the gift bag and said it was for me, I was so startled I said, "Thank you honey, but why is this for me?"
She shrugged, thought about it for a second, then said, "Just for being you."
This has to be a honeymoon period. There's absolutely no way the whole school year can go this smoothly, right?
Friday we had a birthday in the 5th grade and the birthday girl brought in what is referred to as a "cupcake cake". It is what the title suggests- a cake made of multiple cupcakes. Of course at the end of the day on a Friday, sugar was EXACTLY what the rugrats needed. The afternoon ended with me trying to explain to one of my girls why the "5 Second Rule" should not be universally applied to frosting after it has landed on the nasty blue carpet that has been on our classroom floor since, well, the time of Christ. Hey, we are in Catholic school. It's possible the carpeting is that old...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Jail Was Cancelled
Sorry to all those who were looking forward to an episode of "Skinny White Girl Goes to Jail". Classes were cancelled this week. But never fear! Next week, we will see SWG do her thang and whip a few more of society's outcasts into shape!
On the new job front, we had our first inservice today and it was by far the most painless experience of my life. I had fun, everyone I work with is nice, has a sense of humor, and doesn't glaze over or look at me like I've lost it when I speak. Could it be that I have found my home?
I'm still taking bets how long I last before I burst into flame however....
Sorry so short. Faculty meeting in the morning!
On the new job front, we had our first inservice today and it was by far the most painless experience of my life. I had fun, everyone I work with is nice, has a sense of humor, and doesn't glaze over or look at me like I've lost it when I speak. Could it be that I have found my home?
I'm still taking bets how long I last before I burst into flame however....
Sorry so short. Faculty meeting in the morning!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Setting Fire to the Lawn
Duffy: So what are you doing right now?
Me: Sitting on my ass. As usual.
Duffy: Cool. So yeah, I totally dialed the wrong number. Who is this again?
Why am I sitting on my ass doing nothing? Because I'm finally on vacation. A permanent vacation from my retail job. Yes folks, you read that right. I quit my job. Or rather, I went in today to quit and the manager was off so I actually have to quit tomorrow but still...NO MORE RETAIL!
What am I doing instead you ask? Well first off, I'm tutoring recently released prisoners who need to get their GED. That in and of itself has been a twice weekly comedic adventure entitled, "Skinny White Chick Goes to Jail". The first night I volunteered I asked if I could just sit and observe. The woman who actually runs the class teaches preschool by day. Not sure what made her think the transition from drooling babies to ex cons would be a seamless one, but here we are anyway. So I sat and took notes as I watched the students interact with the teacher and with each other. My notetaking quickly degenerated into me mapping out the odds that the guy in front of me with "F*$K BITCHES" tattooed on his left arm, and "GET MONEY" tattooed on the right would be back in jail within the next 48 hours. While no one else was really willing to place a wager, I still won on principle because said tattooed individual has yet to show up to another class.
Once they all got used to having me there, a few of the ex cons started asking me for help with their work. By the end of the second session the guys started talking about their time in jail, what they were in for, which corrections officers they couldn't stand. One wiseass decides that it's acceptable to drop the "N" word in front of me. Of course I immediately tell him to watch his dirty little punk mouth. He did the typical tooth sucking thing that all ghetto punks do when they want to convey that they are first cooler than you are and second that you should be afraid of them. All I can think in my head is, Dude, I'm so not afraid of you. You're obviously not exactly the smartest tool in the shed because you're here, wearing an electronic bracelet because HELLO YOU GOT CAUGHT! I can run away, get in my car, and drive home. You can't even take a piss without someone knowing where you are. The teacher finally notices that there's a little bit of a hubub going down at the table and she asks what the issue is.
Me: Oh, there's just a little bit of disrespect coming from the other end of the table here.
Punk Kid (under his breath): Yeah well you don't better not tell nobody who. (teeth sucking sound)
Wait...what? Was that even in English?
Anyway, other than that....the bigger news is that I accepted a position teaching English at a Catholic School that is literally ten minutes from my house. If it wasn't for the giant hill I'd have to climb I'd totally ride a bike to work everyday. Unfortunately for the life of my car, I'm WAY too lazy to walk to and from work everyday. I already set up my desk and hung a few abandoned building photos behind my chair so that I feel at home. I also got an awesome round cork board with a funky design and replaced the sliding doors on my book cabinets with some trippy shower curtains. I have my class record book all filled in with every class I'll be teaching and I bought a beautiful hardcover journal that I plan to fill with teacher related insight. Or inappropriate doodles of me eating crayons. Either way it'll be a nice record of my first year of educational sanity.
Ok everyone. Cross your fingers and wish me luck. I finally settled my lawsuit against the Charter School from Hell and so far life is falling into place. I'm knocking on wood right now to make sure I didn't jinx myself so I need all your prayers (if you believe), thoughts (if you don't believe), and support (if you're incapable of both prayer and thought). Let's see if I can stay in one place long enough to get my ergonomic desk chair into just the right position!
Me: Sitting on my ass. As usual.
Duffy: Cool. So yeah, I totally dialed the wrong number. Who is this again?
Why am I sitting on my ass doing nothing? Because I'm finally on vacation. A permanent vacation from my retail job. Yes folks, you read that right. I quit my job. Or rather, I went in today to quit and the manager was off so I actually have to quit tomorrow but still...NO MORE RETAIL!
What am I doing instead you ask? Well first off, I'm tutoring recently released prisoners who need to get their GED. That in and of itself has been a twice weekly comedic adventure entitled, "Skinny White Chick Goes to Jail". The first night I volunteered I asked if I could just sit and observe. The woman who actually runs the class teaches preschool by day. Not sure what made her think the transition from drooling babies to ex cons would be a seamless one, but here we are anyway. So I sat and took notes as I watched the students interact with the teacher and with each other. My notetaking quickly degenerated into me mapping out the odds that the guy in front of me with "F*$K BITCHES" tattooed on his left arm, and "GET MONEY" tattooed on the right would be back in jail within the next 48 hours. While no one else was really willing to place a wager, I still won on principle because said tattooed individual has yet to show up to another class.
Once they all got used to having me there, a few of the ex cons started asking me for help with their work. By the end of the second session the guys started talking about their time in jail, what they were in for, which corrections officers they couldn't stand. One wiseass decides that it's acceptable to drop the "N" word in front of me. Of course I immediately tell him to watch his dirty little punk mouth. He did the typical tooth sucking thing that all ghetto punks do when they want to convey that they are first cooler than you are and second that you should be afraid of them. All I can think in my head is, Dude, I'm so not afraid of you. You're obviously not exactly the smartest tool in the shed because you're here, wearing an electronic bracelet because HELLO YOU GOT CAUGHT! I can run away, get in my car, and drive home. You can't even take a piss without someone knowing where you are. The teacher finally notices that there's a little bit of a hubub going down at the table and she asks what the issue is.
Me: Oh, there's just a little bit of disrespect coming from the other end of the table here.
Punk Kid (under his breath): Yeah well you don't better not tell nobody who. (teeth sucking sound)
Wait...what? Was that even in English?
Anyway, other than that....the bigger news is that I accepted a position teaching English at a Catholic School that is literally ten minutes from my house. If it wasn't for the giant hill I'd have to climb I'd totally ride a bike to work everyday. Unfortunately for the life of my car, I'm WAY too lazy to walk to and from work everyday. I already set up my desk and hung a few abandoned building photos behind my chair so that I feel at home. I also got an awesome round cork board with a funky design and replaced the sliding doors on my book cabinets with some trippy shower curtains. I have my class record book all filled in with every class I'll be teaching and I bought a beautiful hardcover journal that I plan to fill with teacher related insight. Or inappropriate doodles of me eating crayons. Either way it'll be a nice record of my first year of educational sanity.
Ok everyone. Cross your fingers and wish me luck. I finally settled my lawsuit against the Charter School from Hell and so far life is falling into place. I'm knocking on wood right now to make sure I didn't jinx myself so I need all your prayers (if you believe), thoughts (if you don't believe), and support (if you're incapable of both prayer and thought). Let's see if I can stay in one place long enough to get my ergonomic desk chair into just the right position!
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